I have always been an enthusiastic person. Energetic. Forgetful. Distracted. An amazing problem solver. Compassionate. Fidgety. Interruptive. Flexible. Adaptable. Responsible. Creative. Easily surprised. Challenged with planning, organization, and time management. Losing things. Finding things. Impulsive. Intelligent. A daydreamer. A reader. A talker. NOT detail oriented. A very quick learner. Curious. Hyperattentive.
Many of these qualities are related to the fact that I have ADHD, with which I was diagnosed in 2007. Although I had spent most of my childhood losing things, forgetting things, and having impulse control, and most of my early adulthood studying mental health, especially college student mental health, learning disabilities included, I had no idea *I* had ADHD until 2006.
After a few of the most challenging years of my life (both wonderfully and terribly), one of my Resident Assistants was taking a class for her educational intervention coursework. She needed to practice testing people on various diagnostic tests to better recognize students with neural differences. While behavioral characteristics of ADHD can often dissipate in adulthood (although not always and not often in extreme cases), I scored off the charts. In a child’s test. Which was saying a lot.
I delayed official diagnosis until part way through my first year in my doctoral program. I am certain that getting my diagnosis helped me make it through the rest of the PhD program.
I struggled and still struggle with my diagnosis.
How did my parents not know? How did *I* not know? How would my life have been different?
Would I have enormous confidence, self-esteem, health and fitness, self-efficacy knowing that at least some of my difficulties were not due to idiocy, laziness, lack of ability, lack of attention, lack of character, lack of caring, lack of worth?
What would have been different if I had an appropriate response to:
Just try harder. Just focus. Just put it in the same place every time. Just think back and remember. Just calm down. Just be reasonable. Just. Just. Just. As if it were simple.
How much of me is ADHD? How much of me is just my personality? How much do I have control over? Should I take medication? Should I tell people? Do I *REALLY* have to do/think all of these extra things to accomplish/understand what I want to? What others do with less?
But, then I consider a few things:
I am better for this (dis)ability. Many of those fabulous things about me wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the challenges provided by ADHD. Not only do I appreciate having it, I’m glad that I do. It certainly keeps things interesting.
My understanding of myself as having ADHD has shifted and will shift. I don’t currently take any medication and I’m open about having ADHD. I may not always feel the same way. And my way isn’t necessarily the way for anyone else but me.
The benefits and challenges of having ADHD are much like the benefits and challenges of other identity characteristics. For me. I have an enormity of privileges, but in coming to understand this part of me as “other,” I have learned that there are structures in place that marginalize and oppress this part of me. I’d like to change the system so that this way of being is one of many ways of being.
Although I will work towards understanding this part of me better and appreciate opportunities to learn more and educate others, I’m mostly still learning who it means to be me, with this “diagnosis.”
Most of the time, it’s pretty hilarious. And that’s what I’m going with for now.
